When we met at the national democratic club she seemed so sweet and beautiful. Weary of trusting women when she at first suggested the idea of a relationship, I told her what happens when I go to Hollywood in August and become a famous comedian / actor. She looked me with those beautifully intense blue eyes and said; “It is better to have loved and lost”. I knew right then and there that I had to give her a chance, though I was quite leery of a relationship and she seemed very keen on the idea….When we first started going out right of the bat she was so sweet, kind, loving, considerate and unselfishly thoughtful I honestly could not have imagined that a woman with all of her intrinsically wonderful estrogenical qualities could exist. She “was” THE IDEAL WOMAN! Our relationship at first seemed great, like an ambush patrol in restive Fallujah when you think the insurgents must have taken the day off… Clear sailing. How would I know they would strike so soon and with such painful precision?

She told me she loved me so often I was feeling a bit uncomfortable, she would kiss me 2 or 3 hundred times continuously to the point where I had to pull away to my side of the bed just to breathe. She told me what a great man I am, how much I treated her like gold and how she was so lucky to have me in her life… Then Jekyll & Hyde started to set in incrementally, it started with one terrible Saturday where she became horribly upset and treating me like shit out of thin air, refusing to even come with me to Potomac Mills for 20 minutes, over lunch she apologized and then she got even worse.

Fast forward to the last month of our 6 month relationship, I am buying $80.00 of groceries for her at shoppers club, then anything whenever she would call and ask me to drop by the 24 hour cvs, still bringing her flowers frequently and treating her like my sweet beautiful blue eyed Princess which she was, and WAS is definitely the operative word. Over and over again she became completely unconcerned with keeping her word, or anything that was important to me, treating me shittier and shittier and then she tells me she would be back at 10 PM, comes home at 3:30 AM, when she climbs into bed she would not let me make love to her, and proceeds to tell me she is canceling our dinner and bleach blonding of my hair for the next night? She knew how important this was to me. The last Hollywood head shots before I meet all these producers and movie mogul muckety mucks, she had promised to do this before we left for Las Vegas and then continually failed to keep her word and now she was canceling on me, blowing ME off before I had to catch a flight to NY and do the most important photo-shoot and stand-up comedy show of my aspiring entertainment career?

She told me over the phone “we had to talk” met me at her house at 5:00 PM on a Friday and she was so cold and cruel that her disposition would have made Wendell Alexis from Dynasty seem like a sweet loving woman. Relentlessly she told me over and over again; “We have to do this because I love you so much Scott and I treating you like shit and you don’t deserve this.” She told me she had to “end us now in order to save us for the future” that after she had some time to get her shit together that she would come back to me because “she loved me more than any man she had ever known” and I treated her like Gold. In all my life I have never been so crushed and destroyed, I told her that if she really loved me that when the going gets tough you try to work it out, and not get going as a reflex action the second the going gets tough. She insisted that in order for us to have a chance at a future together forever that she had to end this today. I guess it made sense, too much too soon too fast and I would have been in much better shape but when my plane landed back in DC, the second it landed she called me to say “I have packed up all your stuff so come and
get it” I told her that I had already made arrangements to get everything out of there immediately however since she dumped me just before my plane had left for NY, and that’s where my suits were, being barely able to walk in desperate need of a hip replacement with my house in the Shenandoah Valley and work tomorrow what did she expect me to do had I not been able to make other arrangements? She said “I WANT EVERYTHING OUT NOW!” I assured her that I had self-respect and would literally spend the night in the streets before I spent one damn discarded second in her house. I told her to be careful because I would hold her accountable (when she tries to get back with me) in the future for how she treated me today.

When my friend and I arrived at her house she had packed up everything in boxes and I felt almost as if she were throwing it at me at first, I had to fly straight from the shoot on the plane back to D.C. in my tuxedo and asked for permission to change out of it. I had never moved so fast in my life, I threw everything into that car faster than Bush could mess up America at home and abroad, when I left her to say goodbye I explained that I was taking everything I had bought because she had really hurt me with her “everything out now” COMMAND! Foolishly, I bought her some nice gold earrings at the airport and left them under her pillow because I wanted her to know how much I would always love her and how much she meant to me. Only time I ‘ve ever given a parting gift after a bad breakup.

I had tried to come to terms with this destructive and personally devastating “Gollatta” (low body blow) when on a Sunday afternoon driving back with my parents from graduation ceremonies at the United Stated Naval War College, my parents told me that she had personally called them and explained her actions that Sunday, told them how much she did not want to hurt me, and that she hoped to get back with me in the future when she had had enough time on her own. This knowledge of her decency and humility in calling my parents told me that she really was the sweet wonderful women I had fallen in love with, and not the cold-hearted man eating witch she had become. I knew then I would end up with her, so long as she was lucky enough for me to take her back.

Then I got up from bed at 3:00 am in the morning and discovered the mother of all horrors on her web blog. She had proudly written a blog at 4:06 pm titled “LOSS” where she wrote the following; “Shhhhhh stop for a second listen… Can you hear it? That’s the sound of me breaking yet another heart…….” She proudly proclaims herself as a man-eater who was no longer “settling for me” and proud to be Scott-free!” The fact that she would brag about breaking up with me to her blogger buddies more than one full hour before having the decency to do this person tells me she is a sick-demented Jekyll and Hyde chick with a heart of stone!

The rest of what I read in 3 subsequent short stories on her web blog http://www.colonialavenue.blogspot.com/ is too painful for words to describe and all I am left with wondering is why the Jeckyll and Hyde? Why did she suggest a relationship when she was not ready for one? Why did she propose my going to Vegas with her and spending 4 consecutive days with her family when she needed her space? After we got back I wanted to give her more space and yet again she insisted I stay at her place first night back from Vegas, then after I spend the whole damn Thursday trying to get her car a tune up and maintenance she provokes a fight out of thin air over nothing for hours, then insists on having to spend the entire weekend with me and provokes fights during out treasured time here in my Shenandoah valley house. Then the last week she lets me down time and again breaking her word, treating me like shit callously and without any concern for the consequence before braging about breaking up with me to her blogger buddies more than one hour before she actually broke up with me in person. One day when she comes back to me (and I know she will) I look forward with a most passionate curiosity to asking her; “Why in the World should I give a second chance to a man-eating Jekyll and Hyde with a heart of stone?” Besides I thought you were proud to be “Scott-free” and I wouldn’t want you to have to settle “sweet baby” for lil ole ME!

FRIDAY, JUNE 09, 2006

Loss

Shhhh. Stop for a second.

Listen.

Can you hear it?

That's the sound of me breaking yet another heart. . .

.. . .
posted by colonialave at 4:06 PM 13 COMMENTS

MONDAY, JUNE 12, 2006

Fit

Love.

I don't know if I will ever understand it.

Without shedding a single tear, I have been able to completely breathe again in the midst of confusion, annoyance, frustration and angst. I try to place my finger on the pulse yet I'm wasting my time trying to find something with this heart of stone.

However - I am still so willing and able to love. I am able to give, and care, and touch, and feel. . . . though I'm not able to connect completely emotionally.

It is because I'm selfish, and care for my needs before others.

Survival of the fittest - isn't that right, Darwin?

Yes. I would agree. However even the fittest of animals die once they have survived all else that is life. Will I be that animal? Will I be the fated creature that survives all else . . . only to remain lost and lonely at the end of my existance?

If that is the case, I am willing to accept it. . . . . .

But no one ever said that "the fittest" couldn't have a damn good time doing what it is that she does best.

Love.

posted by colonialave at 8:53 AM 7 COMMENTS

TUESDAY, JUNE 13, 2006

Peace Within Anxiety

Place me in a bubble,

now watch me float away.

I'd rather be gone

than have you hoping I will stay.

I have this fire within me. Anxiety obviously has a play date with my nerves and has caused my stomach to close up tightly. I haven't eaten well the past few days. Maybe one meal a day. Maybe. It's tough, because I am so happy being free and alive again, yet at the slightest little twerk or twitch my stomach does a gynmastics routine inside my body and leaves me clutching my abdomen in hopes that it will softly stop and settle.

I'm tingling. I'm ready for everything and anything that life has to throw at me. So far it's only thrown good things . . . . very good things.

Maybe one day soon my stomach will settle down a little. But for right now? I'm glad it's jumping through hoops. It shows that I really like where I'm at.

My whole body is rejoicing . . . .

I am happy.

posted by colonialave at 1:06 PM 6 COMMENTS

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 14, 2006

Problem.
I have a problem.

My ability to stay single for an extended period of time has proven impossible. It's cyclicle. History repeating itself . . . Breakup, hook up, serious relationship, break up, hook up, serious relationship, break up . . . and so it goes.

My biggest challenge? Patience. Once I am done loving someone, I want to jump right into loving someone else and having them love me back. I wouldn't say I'm scared of being alone - but in all honesty, I just have so MUCH love to give, I can't keep it in for long.

Maybe I should get a cat?

Don't get me wrong - I am very happy being me, and doing what I do, and living the life that I'm living ... . . however I just love being loved and loving back.

I also like getting laid.

But that's another problem for another time.

posted by colonialave at 8:32 AM 13 COMMENTS

FRIDAY, JUNE 16, 2006

Next!

"Sooooo. . . Tell me all the details."

"Eh. There really isn't much to say."

"Hmm. That good, huh?"

"Don't get me wrong. He was great. Fantastic even. I'm just not crazy for him anymore."

"But you have been obsessing over him since you met."

"Yeah, well. . . . I got what I wanted, and now I can move on."

"So did you two cuddle afterwards?!"

"Oh HELL no! I got out of there soon after everything."

"Wait, wait, wait . . . you're telling me you went over to his place, had hot crazy sex, and left?"

"Yup."

"Did he ask you to leave?"

"Oh no - he wanted to cuddle for a little bit, but I started getting dressed and told him I had to go. I wanted to. I had to get up for work this morning."

"Wow. . . . but he's so hot. Damn. That man is fine."

"Brandi. I can't make an emotional thing out of this. I just really need to use his body, and get on with my life."

"Sophie. . . . . You sound like a jerk off guy I once knew. . . except he was talking about girls he'd date - I mean, not date but . . . well, you know what I mean.

"Heh. Interesting. You don't happen to have his number do you?"

posted by colonialave at 1:30 PM 9 COMMENTS